The Nature of Nurture

Until the moment you see in this picture, I had never given Sevilla baby doll. Never play fed her stuffed pig or her little lamb. I don't think of doing the girl stuff much. For some odd reason I was compelled to buy her this on an impulsive trip to Target. When I looked in the rear view mirror, I burst into a raincloud of tears so big I'm sure I was responsible for the humidity in Phoenix that day. She fed, hugged, besoed, soothed, and cooed her baby. All on her own.

Fully pregnant with another daughter, I often find myself reexamining my lost relationship with my mother. Though I've reached out and am working at building relationships with women, I'm a long way from feeling any sense of she-rah gentle goddess power. Not really ever having a tribe of women experience, I've always tried to compete with the boys. This has meant giving up a lot of the feminine stuff along the way.

But now I crave it. I guess that's what happens when you don't practice moderation. I worry that I won't give them the softness of a woman. I don't want them to feel like they have to choose between smart and successful and girl stuff. As Ani DiFranco says: Like the color of my lipstick is a sign of my declining mind. But when I watched sevi with the baby doll, I knew it is in there like a little imprinted memory. I just have to trust it and pay attention when I see it. 

scream

 

People tell me I have a quiet voice. That it's a little annoying. Like somehow the deficiency in hearing is more acceptable than the deficiency in loudness. Like its acceptable to lean forward and crinkle up your face like what I just said made no sense at all. Well I say it's annoying to have to repeat myself all the time.

Album cover for self portrait project. 

Boho Misfit Barbie

A super girlfriend gave sevi her daughter's barbie suitcase. And while im not against barbie or anything, it is aweful pink. Really i dont mind the barbie thing, I just think she's a little bit boring. So during today's nap I made excellent use of my time and well, misfitted her out a bit. What do you think?

 

 

 

Beauty

There is this object in my home, well two of them really that Drew made me buy. Now generally we have the same taste, thank goodness. But in this case, I strongly objected. It was cheesy, dorky, ugly, and just plain didn't go. But he insisted and after my three versions of the same thing kept breaking, I finally had to give in. We first tried one, and after having it in the house for sometime, he wanted another one. It didn't break, and the color wasn't really that bad once we got it home, not to mention it's not exactly prominently displayed. So I said whatever. Go ahead.

In my ecourse this week, the task was to take something ordinary and photograph it beyond recognition. The goal here is to see the beauty in details and new perspectives. To find images that you see all day, but don't see. So I thought I'd take this thing, that I really don't like and try to make it beautiful. It wasn't that hard actually. I only spent a few minutes alone with the offending object but looking at it in this way, I saw the way the light cascaded the corners and dove through the transparent center. I noticed its beauty.  And in this way, I now use it with much more respect. Whether it's by way of the camera, or permission from a zen momma, paying attention is really starting to make sense.

Can you guess what it is?

Adore-ned

Driving home after I plunged in on Saturday, I started to think about the extra things I add to my life for complications sake. I started to feel guilty. I know surprise, do something good and try to get punished for enjoying myself. Even after all that zen I did it. Seeing Maezen so simply dressed and so simply stated made me wonder about my obsessions and my image.

I love jewelry. Not the diamonds and gold kind but the rocky, woody, gawdy kind. The bigger and more colorful the better. My favorite place to find them is the thrift store. I go on 50% off day and spend hours going through every single bin. Sometimes I leave em intact. Sometimes, I shorten a necklace to make a bracelet and earrings. Sometimes I tear apart several and rearrange them into something entirely new. I wonder about this pointless, mindless activity. Can I excuse it by calling it art? Or should I spend my time concentrating on more meaningful things like spirituality?

In the guilty after the retreat spirit, I thought about rushing home since I had had the whole day to myself. But just as I did, drew sent a text and said don't hurry home. So I stopped at the Goodwill (50% every other Saturday) and went digging for some new treasures. As I was digging and feeling guilty, (though she told us forgetting was an important part of practice), I remembered something Maezen said: when you pay attention to what you are doing you spiritualize how it is right now. Taking her advice, I stopped feeling guilty and immersed myself in beads. Paying attention to each color and string I forgot about guilt, time, and image. Feeling utterly satisfied without a shred of my usual remorse, I finally settled on some and started home. I don't think she meant to glorify the art of jewelry hunting or anything, but to remind us that the only thing we can pay attention to is the thing we are doing right at this moment. That attention is always spiritual. And when we don't we rob it and ourselves of any real doing of it. So I don't need to excuse my obsession by calling it anything other than what it is: my life. And concentrating on it, is spirituality. 

Resetting Gravity

My belly 5 months

Today began the first new moon of the decade. Said to be one of the most powerful moons in some time, I couldn't pass an opportunity to breathe in it. A new moon is an energetic portal signifying death and rebirth. This powerful moon in Capricorn, the sign of establishing your foundation in order to fulfill your life purpose is calling all of us to set our intentions clearly today.

My second daughter, five months old in my womb, asked me to take her picture today (above). She pulled me to the camera and whispered to me about a new technique I had not yet explored. She guided me as I hung my first ever background, piled objects around my home to act as a tripod, and guided me to a processing tool that would bring out her beauty. My first daughter after being called close to her sister in the early afternoon sun laid her head on my belly for the longest time since the beginning of this pregnancy. She was listening to the first of many private sister conversations. Then when we came inside, she patiently and beautifully played by herself for these two hours without complaint or interruption while the above shot was born.

Thursday evening, I went to my first women's circle. I have been thinking about finding such a group for about a year now, but was too nervous to try. Immediately after finding out I was having another girl, I googled for one in my area and found a circle less than a mile from my home. This was not a coincidence.  As soon as I walked in the room and saw all the women already there settled in a close circle, my body was filled with vibrations and I began to cry. Having lost my relationship with my mother has been a difficult thing for me in these last two years. Our often rocky past made it difficult for me to bond with other women. Yesterday I was filled with hope and excitement to begin building relationships with women again. With this new moon I set my intention for a deeper more profound year connecting in community with others.Tomorrow I plunge right in with a zen momma and many other beautiful female souls.

Bonus blog post. Oh well, two in one day. Greens was supposed to go out monday. not sure what happened. Also see the original belly pic before processing here.

The Green Stuff

Sorry I'm not talking about the money. I just finished Green for Life by Victoria Boutenko. Now I'm not a fan of a 100% raw food diet, but you know how much I love my greens. I kept hearing about this book on food sites and thought it was time I give it a read. It's short, so I knew I'd actually finish it.

Not the stuff of great science, it is a good collection of research by a non-science individual wanting to know for herself. It felt like reading the notes or the journal of anyone of us regular guys on one of those in depth, gotta know personal research projects. You know the ones. Boutenko presents the virtue of the nutritional value of greens in an easy to understand way for the laymen. Though I found some of her points lacking evidence, it didn't bother me. She didn't set out to rewrite the numerous research papers she read, but rather to bring this difficult often unreachable data to the public in order to make it easier for us take a bit of responsibility for our own health. Sound familiar?

Finding out that greens not only contain a great amount of minerals and vitamins, but protein as well was not a huge surprise to me. I've been drinking green smoothies for about a year off and on and EVERY day for about 2 months now and can personally attest to their amazingness. My energy levels have finally risen to match those of my bouncy toddler. I crave sweets and salts less and many days not at all. My skin is super soft. I even stopped using this nasty facewash that was the only thing to cure my acne, and while my skin is still not perfect (some of which I attribute to pregnancy hormones), it is much improved. I love that I can get so many good vitamins, minerals, amino acids, and calories in such a great tasting drink. Running around all day with the toddler makes it hard to sit and make myself a meal let alone eat it. Having a ready made smoothie is great in a pinch and satisfying.

The best part of the book is perhaps the recipes in the back. Boutenko offers several pages of green smoothie recipes using all sorts of greens, even romaine which I have yet to make good in a drink, making palatable yummy tasting beverages. If for nothing else, I'd recommend grabbing this book (I picked up mine from the library) for those and give it a whirl for a month or so. Soon you'll be calling me to compare recipes. Promise.

techy stuff

So on a whim i tried out the google chrome. And yes it is faster, but there I discovered blogger blogs and some other websites don't display properly. I was using IE, which was silly in the first place. But using firefox or chrome my blog looked weird. So after all that tinkering you may not be seeing what I'm seeing anyway. Lame. I'm not a huge fan of the chrome looks so I've officially switched to firefox, which is both faster and easier to read. But the text  is often different, and I still had to fix my blog so it looked like I saw it on IE. I have no idea what it looks like there now. Makes me feel like who cares anyway. I should have left it simple and plain. urg.

on a side note, how did no one ever tell me about other browsers...i am in internet mach speed now. YEE HAW!

Lets just drink some Tea

Garlic Chives

It's a love affair. Once you enter the land of herbs, you can never go home. Not because of any barrier but you are trapped by the beauty and love of the Earth in one of it's most delicate, yet powerful forms. At first you tiptoe in, observing, smelling, maybe even tasting. Then you ask one of these gentle plants to help you heal and all at once you are transformed into a magical being and you begin your relationship with the herbs. You learn how to use them for all manners of health, you give back to them by planting more, you continue to nourish them by teaching others so that they too with encourage their growth. This is how it begins.

white sage

The thing I've noticed about incorporating herbs into one's life is that it is always a community effort. Some kind soul offered you a personal blend of tea on a stressful day, or gifted you a lovely bath salt, or left a bundle in your home. The plants always seem to speak through us. However, once we make the choice to include them in our lives, then all manners of herbal education show up in our space. Books, movies, pamphlets, seminars. You name it. It's as if we are madly in love and need to know everything we can about our dear hearted plants. Last night, in one such seminar from a new local herbalist I was let in a little more.

rosemary

Kathy Gould, RH (AHG), founder of the new Southwest Herb in Mesa offers free introductory seminars to the public on Tuesday evenings. Fairly confident in my 'introductory' skills I went anyway mainly to check out the shop and see what the vibe was all about. Previously, I received 2 very different reviews about the shop. One loved, one well not hate, but not so much. I was excited to hear about a new local shop anyway (we have so few here), so when I met her husband who told me about the seminar while he sold me some bee pollen at the farmer's market, I decided to see for myself.  Drew and I did the car switchy dance, and by 5:30 I was alone.

With over 25 years experience studying directly from the greats including the mother of all herbalists (to me), Rosemary Gladstar, Kathy is a wealth of knowledge. But more than that she is a shining light of care for our often dim Valley of the Sun. As she stepped in front of the room, I was enamored by her bouncy red mop of curls, slight gap in her front teeth, and the flowy mismatched silk skirt she was wearing, as I typically am of those in this type of costume. She spoke about co-creating medicine with western physicians, using herbs to add to our toolbox, not take away. This sings to me so much louder than the often, exclusionary feeling I get from many in the 'natural' health community. How such a feeling and intimate practice can be so hateful toward other modalities has always been a struggle for me, not to mention a red flag. My midwife has the same mentality. She never makes a decision for me. It is important for her, that I educate myself on all my options, and make the informed choice. Although I'm not sure why, it is so difficult for us to take responsibility for our own health, relying instead on the 'expert' opinion of someone, anyone else.  But when you do, a sense of empowerment envelops and spreads to all areas of your life.

SW Herb is innovative in the world of natural health by inviting everyone in, from all levels of experience or interest. She has made her courses affordable and attainable. It is her goal that each of us take an active role in our healing, and she is ready to provide some amazing tools with which to do so in a way I have never seen before in this field. In the end, it was her relaxed approach that got me. Reminding us why we started using herbs in the first place, she shared stories of healing where people often needed to know exactly, "was it this herb or that, was it the yoga, was it the mindset?" And the answer was: really, who cares, you're healed. Now, lets just drink some tea.

I left her two hour seminar feeling energized and renewed in my excitement to continue growing my relationship with the plants, without the expense of other ways of healing. Today, Sevilla and I shared three pots of tea. It was one of the most relaxing and beautiful days we have had in a long time. I'm not sure if it was the tea, the sharing, the ritual, or just a random event, but like Kathy said in her lecture, really it doesn't matter. No go enjoy a cup of tea.

If you are in the valley and able to take one of her free seminars, I highly recommend it. They are offered Tuesdays and Saturdays. Check out her website for more info. I'll be taking some of her upcoming classes on children's herbs, allergies, and cosmetics. Maybe I'll see you there!

The Last Day was the Best

The 24 hours that started at 7pm on Wednesday December 30th were undoubtably the best of the year. It's odd to say a thing like that, but really its fitting to go out with a bang.

First, Wednesday evening marked my first prenatal yoga class. I LOVE yoga, but haven't been in some time and decided this whole home birth thing was just the excuse I needed to get back in the groove. I treated myself to a real yoga studio complete with yogis, peaceful decor everywhere, and calmly painted rooms. It was everything I hoped for. Peaceful, exhausting, worked out all my stucknesses and even alleviated a horrible migraine I had been nursing for about 2 days. After the namastes were uttered I ran to the reception desk to sign up for an 8 week pass. The 'high bio' from the class continued through the next day.

Thursday morning Sevi and I decided on a whim to spend the day downtown. Now our downtown, though Phoenix is one of the most populated cities in the US, is not much to speak of. Especially coming from a haven like Seattle. But I'd been wanting to check out the new urban market so we made a day of it.

With my newly found energy and peace, I decided the adventure was worth it. I got a little lost, but driving around the city with a new open mind, I noticed things I had previously overlooked. I bumped into the market after ogling a beautiful old hotel and we found a place to park. The market wasn't open for another 30 minutes so we jumped into the cute urban coffee shop and had a little treat. Me with my heart stained cappuccino and Sevi with her real hot chocolate, we shared a star shaped short bread cookie, and were the epitome of urban cool. In the brick-walled concrete-floored tiny box of a coffee shop, I found a bit of the urban boho that had been hiding since Seattle. Having finished our treats with still time to wait we decided to take a quick stroll around the block.

This city that seemed so drab to her oversensitized mama came alive in the eyes of my two-year old. We met interesting folks in our short city block walk, saw amazing old buildings, found a new pizza cafe, and basked in the perfect cool sunshine of a winter desert morning. When we rounded the corner back to the market, we were welcomed in right away. I was excited to find an abundance of local produce and products and quickly filled my cart. I had been given the task of making coleslaw for an upcoming shindig and was glad to find everything I needed right there, fresh and local. Sevi loved interacting with all the folks and identifying all the veggies showing off her signing skills.

We left after noon and vowed to come back and explore at least once a month.  In fact, on the drive home I was inspired to write and photograph in ways I haven't been in some time. To make an event out of our monthly Bohurbian Outings and record them with images and words so they are never lost to us. Staying home and committed to unschooling, doubt creeps in and I sometimes feel as though she may not get 'the right' kind of exposure and education. But these little adventures remind me why we chose to do it this way and give me hope for how our lives will unfold. It was a day filled with a beautiful awakening of adventure and discovery for something that had been right in my backyard all along. But in retrospect, even with all the amazing epiphanies that day, the best part was that it happened on the last day of the year, of the decade. A perfect end into a perfect beginning. It's easy for me to get caught up in all the things I've given up since having a child. I am grateful on this last day of 2009, to be reminded that the things they add amount to so much more.

Sitting Down

The Daily Battle

I've been having some trouble coming to the canvas lately. There are things I want to do and ways I want to do them. Words knock on my head at night keeping me awake. Images float on my ceiling haunting me until morning.  I have countless journals half finished and tattered filled with stories that never saw a rewrite or even a relook. Yet, I can't make it to the page lately.

I am filled with resistance. So instead I read books. Books 'on writing,' books about how to master your digital camera, books about green living, books by writers I admire, books about gardening, cooking, homeschooling. Then when my eyes grow tired I busy myself with mindless tasks masked with the magic word 'creative' like redesigning my blog for a month or obsessively reading blogs of other creatives.

One book I recently picked up, a meticulous and purposefully short read, kicked me in all sorts of places. The War of Art by Steven Pressfield of 'The Legend of Bagger Vance' fame. Among the many great moments in the book, the best was near the beginning when he spoke about Hitler. Apparently he wanted to be an artist, even went to art school in Vienna. But, the author points out, it was easier for him to start WWII than to face a blank canvas. I never thought I'd say I relate to Hitler. But that blinking curser on a blank page can inspire the most ridiculous of must-do-first lists you've ever seen.

Mr. Pressfield also reveals the secret that he claims real writers know that wannabe writers don't:
It's not the writing part that's hard. What's hard is sitting down to write.
This isn't the first time I've heard this; putting on your shoes is the hardest part to running; do your artist pages at least three stream of conscious every morning; the most important part about writing down the bones is composting ideas until you brew the good ones. Everytime I hear it, it makes sense. Knocks me out off the couch and in front of my computer. I get it. But never for very long.

So here I am sitting. Writing, as crap as it may be. I'm gonna get back to doing the work. The battle must be fought anew Every Day.

P.S. What do you think of the pic? It's my first of the year for Self Portrait Challenge. I used a diptych, new to me, which is two images that alone may mean little but when posed together tell a more complete story. Also included introduce yourself, red, and tiny words themes.

just stop already

so ive changed my f-ing header about 10000 times this last hour. im having ocd. please someone lock the html controls on my blog.

drew said im doing the eyebrow plucking thing where you are just going at it until you have none left. how do i stop and just get back to blogging already???????

Walking Away

So it's not exactly perfect, but I think I'm done tinkering with the blog. May add a thing or two here and there, but what do you think? 

Love it, hate it, who cares?

Really I'm just interested in anything in particular that bugs you or doesn't work. Thanks for your opinion!

Reflection

In december I joined a flikr group. I had been thinking about doing it for sometime, but just didn't find one that felt right. Not to mention that they usually have 2000 to 3000 participants, and I was hoping for something a little bit more intimate. Some of the bloggers I love were involved in the Self Portrait Challenge. So after oohhing and aahhing for a couple of months I decided to make the plunge and join the club. I was a little nervous to make this like some sort of 'do every week' resolution thing so I joined in December to try it out and see.

Turns out, it was just the thing I needed to give myself permission to take time out for art each week. I recently fell into a rut and was finding life a little challenging. I wasn't writing, I wasn't painting or drawing, I wasn't even cooking people. This was bad. But thanks to SPC, my creative self has come back to life a bit.

As is the tradition for January, we will spend this month reflecting on 2009. I wasn't going to do it this year, but maybe a little deeper look inward will help with moving forward afterall. This year with the SPC, I'm not looking to find myself or anything, but put the spit shine on the bits and pieces I often demean or don't appreciate. Either way, like the writing class I took this time last year, it'll get me creating something each week. Deadlines are good. Check out the pieces of me I've collected so far if you've got a moment. I'll try to put em up here in the future.

For January I get to choose 2 or more of the following, put em together and see what I can see.

Album Covers

Indroduce Yourself

Headless

High Key / Low Key

Diptych

Shoes

Seven Deadly Sins

Childhood

Portals

Hats

tiny words

Red

Already, I'm feeling like quitting. It seems such a daunting task. My photography skills have been exhausted in the three weeks I've participated so far. I'm not sure I can come up with anything new. The old self doubt and yournotgoodenough girl gets louder. Ever the kid that yearns for a gold star from the teacher at the expense of my own learning, I'm trying to keep it between me and the man in the mirror. Better go make a bulk batch of window cleaner...

Caution, Mama at Work

Still under construction. Very addicting.