it is down to you, and it is down to me...

This one I put on Sevilla's blog, but i needed it here too .

In trying to get sevilla to self-soothe and fall asleep on her own at nighttime, I am reminded of a great scene in one of my favorite movies - The Princess Bride. The part where the dashing prince Wesley and the irritating bug Vicini engage in the battle of wits -to the death. In this case it's less morbid and referring to the one of us that caves first. Cry it out, cuddle, co-sleep. What to do.

Co-sleeping is great, and honestly what we do and will continue to do, kitties and all - it works for our family. She's been in her crib twice. But that doesn't mean I don't wonder if we should switch with these recent evening battles. But day naps are a dream. She usually falls asleep on her own playing or if i notice she's tired, i lay her down with the binky and she's out. However, it's the evening that's trouble. We don't go to bed before 7pm but she gets tired then. What do you do when she's exhausted at 6pm and you've got to lay her down? Here's the latest battle:

The sweet vicini is cooing and rubbing her eyes. Dad gets her into a nighttime diaper, we use cloth so this is key, then mom gives her one last feeding and rocks her with a sweet lullaby. Usually this takes about 5 minutes. Mom usually rocks her for another 10 or so just to be sure. Then she is laid ever so sweetly in the bed 'en famille' but alone.

In anywhere from 30 minutes to 1 hour a blood-curdling scream is heard from the master bedroom. At first, mom rushes in, surely she is suffocating or has fallen off the bed. When mom arrives, she is greeted with a sly smile and a laugh. As mom rushes over to console the sweet Vicini, yes mom is the dashing Wesley in this scenario, she notes there are no tears in the eyes. This was no real crying. Real crying yields real tears, I've seen 'em. Mom pops the binky back in and walks away as baby turns her head into the pillow with closed eyes.

Fade out to mom and dad enjoying a guilt-free viewing of "So you think you can dance" and in the middle of a pirouette, another blood curdling scream erupts. This time they let it go since it's really just whimpering, but for how long? So far it has been 2 minutes. When, then o'chemist does the poison seep into the bloodstream????? Has she too spent months building up a tolerance? Mom, of course can't stand it and finally rushes in. Again, dry eyes and a coo. NO REAL CRYING. But this time vicini looks into wesley's eyes and for a moment she seems to say, please mom just one more cuddle, i won't stay this little for very long. and as i nestle in cupping her head in my hand the way she loves i whisper softly, as you wish.

mother knows best

"I feel like it's you two against me."

Drew said this to me last night in one of our more frustrating dealing with the not-so-newborn moments where he wasn't able to console her and I promptly took over, well grabbed her out of his arms is more like it. I of course lashed back with something like, you have to step up and take it, I don't create the division, you do. You are her father after all. But I have been wondering if maybe I am truly the responsible one.

Do I take over too much? Is it possible I use that 'ol mother knows best bit too often? I just don't want her to be frustrated and I know what works after all I am with her 12 hours a day, I answer confidently. I'm only trying to help make it easier on everyone. Aren't I?

In one of my clearer moments at 1 am when I can't sleep I realize: yes, it is me, I am not sharing. I've never been good at it.

food co op

so since this post we learned about community supported agriculture where we get to 'buy in' to a LOCAL farm and pick up their produce, the farm here happens to be organic - yeah!! so we have since discontinued our service with bountiful and signed up with Tempe CSA. Find the link on the right. I am so excited to see what's in store. It feels great to support truly local agriculture and know we're getting 100% organics.

a friend of a friend has a great blog, thank you jesse, i started reading it a while back. one of her posts shows a great basket of produce from a food co-op. we have been getting delivery/pick up organics for a while now, since seattle even but after seeing her stuff i decided to look at the co-op situation. so we found one http://www.bountifulbaskets.org/ and signed up immediately last week. the anticipation has been killing me as we had to wait until today to pick up our booty. while i was enjoying a few extra minutes of sleep with sevilla, this morning at 7:00 am drew went down to the park to pick up the basket. he describes the situation as the lost land of hippie not hippies. we live in ahwatukee the land of big hair, big cars, big houses, and well big boobs. bland is the name of the game. he said the aura was so great. anticipation as people walked in with their empty food receptacle, which in and of themselves represented anything from a laundry basket to a trash can, and smiles as they left with it full. it was strange to see so many seemingly like-minded folks in this little ticky tacky town. as drew walked in he was greeted by volunteers who congratulated him for being a first timer and instructed him on how to grab his goods. they even offered some pears that were not included in the basket, for free because of a little aging on the bottoms. gladly drew grabbed a bunch.

the basket itself is amazing. for a mere $15 ($17 the first time only) we got a bunch of bananas, 5 pears, 5 mangos, a huge organic cantaloupe, a bunch of organic swiss chard, a head of romaine, a bag of baby carrots, some red potatoes, a bunch of grapes, 2 zucchinis, a ton of apples, and a handful of pickling cucumbers. at first i was bummed since all of it is not organic, but at these prices its hard to complain. it is rainbow food after all. from the earth as you can see stella in the background getting high off the smell of the dirt. i cant wait to go myself next week!

where to begin

over the last few days i have spent an embarrassing amount of hours reading and reading and reading all these great blogs. on a voyage link by link to anothrer world. i have just been mesmerized by what people are able to share. how honest they are and how freely they speak. i have been educated beyond my wildest imaginations, introduced to ideas, stories, places to shop that i never knew could exist. i guess in my trying to figure out how to start my blog i needed a bit of inspiration. the trouble is i cant stop reading! when do you all have time to contribute. the musings of others is so...addicting.

this brings me to the real problem. what kind of blogger am i? do i want to focus on the birth thing, homeschooling, natural living, spiritually, daily life? I HAVE NO IDEA. it all feels so great to be a part of, even if electronically. in trying to design the best first post, i find myself unable to post at all. there have been so many wonders, vents, exclamations and stories floating around in my head for years it is hard to start somewhere. so i decided to just begin by treating it like a daily journal, being random at first with my thoughts hoping some organization and focus will come if it needs to.

next the reading encouraged me to start a new conversation with myself. what kind of person do i want to be. drew and i have spent the last, well 5 years really trying to figure that out. currently we both have ended up in a place we never designed for ourselves, but not in a good way. not in a bad way, just not satisfied. at 30 , it seems late to start looking for something, but better late than never. i am inspired by the lives of others i read about. homeschooling parents, enterprising parents who own their own businesses (sometimes more than 1), doulas, midwives, writers, green livers (that sounds appetizing) etc. i feel like i'm standing on the edge of the docks looking in to all these fabulous lives.

we did come to the conclusion that we needed to find ours. both talking about making changes and choices. but it's the taking action part that's the challenge. hopefully this mental, but mindful vomiting on the page will be good start to that conversation. now i just gotta figure out this whole action thing.

here goes

we started a 'mommyblog' after family far away kept asking for pics of our new babe. as i started writing there i remembered how much i loved it. i figured that most people visiting sevilla's site wouldn't be interested in anything but her so i created this one for me mostly. i love to journal and write but it has been a long time. i was encouraged to start writing again by drew and i began falling in love with the whole world of blogging so i decided to get started. i hope if anyone visits they don't find my blathering too boring or ridiculous, but really i can't wait to start writing again. stay tuned...